Ten Things I Learned This Weekend

Midwest Mountain Sports Report 9/20/21

Week 2 of the NFL was not nearly as exciting as Week 1. This is not a line item for a thing I learned this weekend. It seems too obvious, and is more of a general anchor of expectations for loyal NFL fans who watched many of their teams experience a comedown after some lofty week 1 highs. But it wasn’t all bad news; The Broncos’ defense rolled over Trevor Lawrence and the young, mediocre Jacksonville Jaguars to secure their spot among NFL teams entering week 3 undefeated. The Vikings lost another shootout matchup to the Cardinals, again by a field goal. The Rockies stole a series from the Washington Nationals in a meaningless series for both teams, while the Dodgers and Giants duke it out in a dogfight for first place in the division. All of this and more we have to discuss, so let’s begin!

1. A Sports Narrative is What You Make of It

What do the Minnesota Vikings have in common with the Kansas City Chiefs? Mascot and logo iconography of warriors from an earlier, less-woke era? Sure, they have that. A generational quarterback with the ability to turn the tide of a football game, no matter the negative point differential? Eh, getting colder…. What about this: a defense in Week 2 responsible for two interceptions each, one of them resulting in a pick six. They also both managed to lose their contests by a single point, to an opposing purple or red team, respectively. These similarities are the nuggets ripening on the “take tree”, waiting to be plucked by the sportscaster or podcaster who could juice them for relevant content. Personally, I see it as a mere coincidence, a simple chance of fate. If anything is to be gleaned from these “sliding doors” of football matches, I think we can definitively say that the successes of the Arizona and Baltimore offenses are due in part because the season is young. Danielle Hunter laid 3 sacks on Kyler Murray, his first three of the 2021 season. Murray is young, spry, and bounced back. However, these hits add up, and I just don’t think we will see 34 points necessarily from the Cardinals in week 12. He’s so much fun to watch, and I want him to stay healthy. He just can’t get sacked by anyone as large as Hunter 3 more times in the same game.

2. The Minnesota Vikings are Going to Win the Super Bowl

The coincidences of the Vikings game and the Kansas City game are too eerily similar to ignore. It can only mean that had the Vikings made their extra points and field goals, they would also be 1-1, just like Kansas City….

I’m kidding, of course. And yet…a sports narrative is what you make of it. For those Vikings fans who are looking to take a positive away from this loss, just compare their performance to that of the Chiefs. It’s not the craziest thing I’ve ever written. Now about those missed points from the kicker…

3. The Vikings Have a Kicker

Same point as last week, minus some exclamation marks. Greg Joseph missed an extra point, and a field goal at the end of the game, which led to a classic Paul Allen “wide right” declaration. Congratulations, Greg Joseph. You’re officially a Minnesota sports player. Welcome to a long, storied legacy of kickers doing exactly what you did. You’re in historic company.

4. All 49ers Running Backs are Fired

As our loquacious 43rd President of these United States once said, “…fool me once, shame on…shame on you. Fool me…we can’t get fooled again!” And that’s exactly how I feel after picking up Elijah Mitchell and starting him for a measly 5.3 fantasy points against the Eagles. Kyler Murray had more fantasy rushing points than San Francisco’s lead back. But I knew this would happen, so it’s absolutely my fault. If I do this again in week 3 and it goes poorly, please check in on me. I will officially be in an unhealthy, unsustainable relationship with my fantasy running back. You will need to send help, and I probably won’t listen. But do send help anyway.

5. Find a Football Safe Space

This one is designed to be advice for my readers with children, but it could also apply to those who have partners with demanding TV habits, or those who live in close quarters like an apartment or townhome. Traditionally, a safe way to watch a football game uninterrupted would be to visit a bar or restaurant, and order just enough drinks or appetizers to justify watching the game, but not eating three plates of wings, or getting thrown out of the establishment. With the effects of Covid-19 altering people’s behavioral patterns, they’re opting out of watching a game in a public space due to safety concerns, or purely for preferential couch reasons. Basically, we are all watching more football at home. To complicate matters, I have two young daughters under the age of 4. I love them to pieces, and spend 95% of my week caring for them, chasing them around, reading them stories and exploring the world together. However, there’s that pesky 5% of my week which I simply want to be devoted to uninterrupted football. If you’ve never met a toddler, they’re not too keen on splitting their attention. It’s “all eyes on me”, or else! Therefore, steps must be taken to find a football safe space, if there is to be any watching of said football game. I’ve discovered my garage. If you can somehow manage to work in some sort of cleaning or work in between commercials, and during halftime, that’s the sweet spot. I cleaned out my wife’s car, vacuuming and shining the upholstery with Kirk Cousins in the background putting up an admirable performance. I love my garage. I love my wife more, otherwise I would just move into her car every Sunday before kickoff.

6. The Broncos are Ahead of the Chiefs in the AFC West

With the addition of Patrick Mahomes to the division, this sight is quite uncommon. So I will take special care to point out when the Broncos are leading the Chiefs in the standings. Will it stay this way all season? Certainly not. However, the Broncos play the New York Jets next week, and the Chiefs draw the pesky Chargers. It might stay this way until week 4. Here’s hoping…

7. Travis Kelce is my Favorite Fantasy Football Player of All-Time

The only pre-fantasy draft rankings list I had time to write this year was for the tight end position. And frankly, I spent a good portion of it telling everyone why they could justify taking Travis Kelce in the late first round of their fantasy drafts. The tight end position is a wasteland, and having a guaranteed 10 points from any roster spot is a gift. Add to that Kelce’s touchdown yesterday, where he somehow turned an 8 yard first down into a 46 yard touchdown play, making multiple defenders miss in the open field. That play alone won me two separate fantasy matchups. I love this dude, and I hope he plays as long as Tom Brady.

8. Pat Surtain II is not a QB, and that’s OK

There’s been plenty of speculation regarding the Denver Broncos and their first-round draft pick, Pat Surtain II. Primarily, this debate revolves around the future of the quarterback in Denver, and whether or not the Broncos should have taken Justin Fields or Mac Jones ahead of the lights-out corner from Alabama. And I’ll concede, until Teddy put up back-to-back wins for the Broncos, I counted myself among the speculators, if not necessarily the doubters. However, Surtain picked off an impressive sideline grab from rookie quarterback Trevor Lawrence, and I’ve immediately decided that all is forgiven. As long as Surtain continues to light up the highlight reel, and steal long-ball gains from every quarterback in his rookie class, I’m all about the pick at number one. The Broncos get to face Zach Wilson and the Jets next week, and I can’t wait for Wilson to spread some of those four Patriot picks around to the rest of the league, specifically to Pat Surtain.

9. Allen & Ginter Continues to Deliver

Not much more to say on this one, except that I now have a hammerhead shark card to add to my great white collection.

10. The NFL Referees and Football Powers That Be Will not Allow the Lions to Win MNF

I’m wrapping up this column on Monday evening, with the matchup between the Lions and the Packers on mute. I’ll admit that I’m drifting in and out, but already I’ve seen some questionable calls come Jared Goff’s way, and the Lions are hanging in there and making it interesting for the Packers. Should the Packers lose, I think the fans would tear Lambeau apart bit by bit, curd by curd, and heads would certainly roll. The NFL simply won’t allow this, even if the Pack deserves a bit of tough love. I don’t dig their mojo this year, in spite of Aaron Rodgers’ new chilled out vibe and hairdo. Apathy has never been the key to success in the NFL, so I would refrain from penciling in the Packers as the top dogs in the NFC until the end of the season. If you suspect homer-ism on my part, let me put those fears to bed. True, I follow the Vikings as a second team, as I live in their state and watch their same TV channels. But Aaron Rodgers is my favorite quarterback in all of football. I don’t want him to fail, but I can’t in good faith look at his performance, and that of the Packers as a whole and have any real confidence of their success this season.